Matchup Review
TYBG Ugo (1-0) - (0-1) Mike Gflat Runners
121.80-103.60
Michael started a trend that his entire team followed. He didn't find it necessary to draft or to intelligently review trade proposals, so naturally, his team didn't find it necessary to show up to their games this week while TYBG steamrolled the GFlat Runners 121.80 - 103.60. Ugo should really be thanking Based God as his team was led by a Decepticon-less Matthew Stafford 26.10 and Minnesota DEF 30.00 who have Shaun Hill as a QB, seriously who the fuck is that? Spencer Ware lived up to his team's name as he posted 25.90 out the gate and a nice supporting act from Antonio Brown 24.60 and his Monday Night Football heroics.
This match up was filled with mediocrity as 7 non-kickers posted less than 10 points in their respective season openers. Dez Bryant 0.50, on a $60 contract should take a majority of the blame, as he posted 1 reception for 5 yards out of 5 targets. An overturned 32 yard TD catch probably didn't help his cause either. Meanwhile, $70 Rob Gronkowski didn't even play. With no bench to speak of, it is looking like the beginning of a long dark season for the Runners, and it doesn't seem like the Runners will be running away with anything, except for a face full of salted, chocolate, tears.
But in reality you need so much more.
Maybe you should change your team name to: Chef's Fantasy Balls
OOOOOOOOOOOOH! SHAFTED!!! (RIP Isaac Hayes)
TBD Taylor (1-0) - (0-1) Alexa Tea Time D Time
98.54 - 91.18
As I am writing this review, it is Monday afternoon. The sun is shining, I've eaten Teriyaki Chicken Katsu for lunch and TBD really have their work cut out for them. The not yet determined team, will need exactly one yard from Vance McDonald to get a Week 1 victory (baring any fumbles or interceptions). Its hilarious in actuality because he didn't completely set his line-up and picked up McDonald just because he was one of the few available players for tonight's game. When you look at his bench, you'll see that even the .9 from backup Jerick McKinnon would have been enough to bring home the W.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that McDonald gets a yard and TBD the victory, and continue to write this as such...
... Now it's half time and its still 0 points for Vance McDonald...
... Well you're going to lose you idiot... Set you lineup and you don't lose. You deserve this!!!
The door was open, and all you needed to do was walk through it...
Maybe you should change your team name to: ERROR 999 INVALID LINEUP
Well fuck, Vance McDonald pulled it off, YOU DID IT!!!!!
Welp, back to regularly scheduled recapping.
Alexa, WTF? Seriously, what is your team? Is this some elaborate ruse, in order to pull a Chris and Dan and just quit? Jimmy Graham 1.10? Another year? $7? The same guy that derailed your season last year? You know who else went for $7? Kelvin Benjamin 15.10, Julius Thomas 12.40... You lost to a guy who didn't set his lineup until Sunday afternoon.
For shame.
I guess its not your fault you didn't have Jameis Winston 26.54 or AJ Green 24.00. You of all people however should know never to bet on black QBs... and of ALL THE BLACK QBS? Dak Prescott 10.28.
We could go into bench what-ifs, but if we did, they would favor Taylor's superior team.
This is your fantasy wake up call. This was the 2nd lowest point score overall and the lowest out of GMs who drafted their current team.
Dak doing Dak
Maybe you should change your team name to: I bet on James' Black QBs
Soaked It In Ciara Kevin (1-0) - (0-1) Malcolm THRAXXIMUM OVERDRIVE
120.92-91.46
In theory it was a hard fought comeback for the Overdrive, but in reality they stunk up the joint (and I don't mean with some dank ass OG Kush either) by acquiring the 3rd lowest point total of any team this week. Unfortunately, that isn't how you win in fantasy football. Kevin showed why his name is on the Pillar of Light Trophy with Soaked it in Ciara's putting up 120.92 in an utter dominance this week. Soaked It In Ciara was led by a Drew Brees who didn't seem to know there was a defense playing against him, posting an immense 31.42 points. CJ Anderson 25.90 looked more like BJ Anderson the way he bust a full fantasy load all over the collective domes of the Carolina Defense and the Thraxximum faithful.
Unfortunately for the T.O. Squad, there isn't much to look for on the bench. Say what you want about Malcolm, but he did play the best lineup available to him. However, if you were planning to say Malcolm is a terrible GM, then you're correct as whilst playing the best team available to him, he was still blown out like a pixelated life size Sasha Grey poster. Just in case you don't know anything about Sasha Grey, know that she is one of the best at sucking dick.
Maybe you should change your team name to: Anthraxxx Gloryhole
Vick in a Box Justin (1-0) - (0-1) Ngozi Show me your TDs
123.30 - 101.03
J-Smooth and Vick in a Box start the season strong with a convincing win over Ngozi and Show Me Your TDs. I always say is smoke em if you got em! Ok, I rarely say that, but the Vick Boxes had Andrew Luck 35.50 and the New York Jets Def 21.00, and they straight up smoked the flat TDs. The Itty bitty TD committee talked a big game, they simply didn't have the knockers to mess with the Dog Fighting Cubes.
Speaking of shady shit, let's see the fruits of your duplicitous deals. David Johnson 19.20 was the lone bright spot in an otherwise underwhelming performance for SMYTD. Cam Newton 22.16... not sure if that's $41 contract material. The rest of your team is laughable, all teams on the bubble, kinda good, but consistently not good enough. Your team is in a fantasy market bubble, and while you're hoping everything come together, it'll pop. Keep betting on the futures, and you'll lose today. Hence you losing today.
Maybe you should change your team name to: The Market Crashers
Thanks But Naw Mack (1-0) - (0-1) Kyle Uhhhh hey JJ
115.66 - 112.92
In a thrilling Monday night set of games, preseason favorite Thanks But Naw secured their first win of the season over Kyle and the Uhhhh hey JJ team. TBN had a solid showing from Derrick Carr 22.36, Brandon Cooks 27.40, and Larry Fitzgerald 20.10 with his 100th career TD reception.
Kyle, must have thought he made the perfect choices. Drafting Tyler Lockett 1.70, Christine Michael 7.10, and Russell Wilson 12.92, there's no way he could fail. Well fail he did, big time. One of only two players to post goose eggs Week 1 (Gary Barnidge 0.0. Deangelo Williams tried as hard as he could to make it a game late Monday night. He cruised through a porous Washington DEF 0.0, on his way to 29.10, through Landover, MD. Boom
7:10 PM, 111.46 - 112.92. I imagine Kyle is looking at his phone thinking Shit! Todd Gurley got this. No way he doesn't get sixteen yards... I mean anything is possible... He could have a terrible night, anything is possible...
Well the impossible happened and Gurley 4.20 didn't perform to the expected ability of a $62 contract player. He did however post enough points to sidetrack last season's runner ups. Harsh.
I expected better from your team Kyle
Maybe you should change your team name to: Uhhhh why did I draft 4 Seahawks?
D&B David & Brian (1-0) - (0-1) Philip @FakeChris
114.38 - 87.46
Finally we visit the first match up consisting of only new members in the league. What an absolute shit-fest. Where do we even start?
Everyone in this game did the opposite of what they should have. Philly DEF 22.00 better than Los Angeles 16.00. A Cowboy (Dan Bailey 17.00) better than anyone? Keenan Allen 9.27 out for the year. A Julius Thomas 12.40 rejuvenation, juxtaposed with a Devonta Freeman 4.20 free fall. OBJ 7.30 struggles along with Randall Cobb 6.80.
It was a solid showing for D&B and their players mostly slightly overachieved to get the victory, and that's really all you need. On the other hand @FakeChris may be in all kinds of trouble. The other goose egg award went to Cantanzaro 0.0, but even a phenomenal 20 pointer couldn't have saved this team, doomed by the shadow of the departed Chris. A parting curse? It cannot be known. As this team was inherited team 2 hour before kickoff, it would be unjust to criticize...
After all, at least Phil set a correct line up.
Maybe you should change your team name to: @#ShouldHaveAdoptedABetterTeam
Duwamish Palace Cup
Finally, we will be unveiling the Duwamish Palace Cup. This will be a separate trophy to be won each year. Each regular season week there will be 3 categories of points up for grabs. The person at the end of the regular season with the most points wins it all.
A point will be rewarded for the following categories
-Highest Overall Team Score
-Highest Overall Individual Score (In your starting line-up)
-Largest Margin of Victory Differential
Point scoring will not be decimal rounded down, so 75.65 and 75.01 will essentially be the same for Duwamish Palace Cup scoring. In the case of a tie, all teams with the highest total shall be awarded points. Should a player get a clean sweep, including situation where there is a tie in one or multiple categories, they will be awarded an additional point bringing that total to 4.
Duwamish Palace Cup Weekly Awards
-Highest Overall Team Score - Vick in a Box 123
-Highest Overall Individual Score - Vick in a Box Andrew Luck 35
-Largest Margin of Victory Differential - D&B 30
DPC Standings
#1. Justin; Vick in a Box - 2
#2. David & Brian; D&B - 1
Power Rankings will be posted in the Week 3 Pot Roast.
Congrats to our Week 1 winners, you're the real MVPs.
Commissioner Roger Pimpinheimer
I've never played so bad and still won - Rex Grossman
